My Secrets

I’m gonna give all my secrets away. (Please watch and listen. The lyrics are poignant and relevant.)

I had a long debate on Twitter today about the role of Twilight in modern children’s lives, particularly young women.

I had to convince the man I was talking to that womanhood is not a universal experience for every female. I’ve had to justify my life choices for a very long time to almost every narrow-minded person I meet. I’m in no way implying that this man was narrow-minded, just simply that I am exhausted at having to defend myself and my way of thinking.

After purchasing a car and my own home, I realized that those responsibilities are not what I want my life to consist of. There is no American Dream for me. At least, not in the traditional sense.

My American Dream consists of freedom, learning, wonder, and awe. I am 28 years old and I do not see parenthood in my immediate future. I’ve never yearned for children and I often place my dog daughter above myself.

Those are my choices, however, and whatever someone chooses for their life, as long as they are not hurting others (and hopefully not themselves), should be respected.

In the Twilight Saga, the main character, Bella, chooses to give up her mortality to change into a vampire so she can live in eternity with her love, Edward.

First of all, it’s a damn fantasy book. Anyone who thinks that all Twilight fans cannot separate fantasy from reality needs to have the shit smacked out of them.

Second of all, it’s called fantasy for a reason. It’s an escape from the every day. It’s a way to inject a little adventure and romance into a life that is filled with reports, editing, generating data tables, maintaining a blog and trying to decide how to market myself online to generate income so that I can become more location-independent and able to support myself.

Again, that is my choice. And just so I’m clear, someone’s life choices, if they are not hurting anyone, are to be respected.

The man I had the debate with used the argument that she was giving up her life for a man and that was to be looked down upon. Since when is love to be looked down upon? And, furthermore, as a fictional character of legal age in this country, she has the same rights as anyone else to make her own decisions for her life.

Life doesn’t end when you fall in love and get married, so for him to say that she gave up her life for him makes no sense. This isn’t a Jane Austen novel. The wedding isn’t the end, it’s the beginning. It’s the beginning of a long road of late night fights over money and stress and hopefully even later night love-making sessions to make up for the bullshit argument you had a few hours ago.

He also insinuated that I thought he was an unromantic asshole. He may be unromantic, but he is entitled to his opinion just as I am.

So here are a few secrets about little old me:

- I am an atheist because both my head and my heart have led me that way. As I said on a friend’s blog recently, karma and nature are my religion and the ocean is my church. I find grace and serenity in nature and the world around me. I do not think marriage is some end-all, be-all religious ceremony that is supposed to heal the hole in your heart and make two become one. If you are not whole on your own, then you have work to do.

- That being said, I almost wish I could believe in a god that would forgive all of my sins and guilt and accept me into his arms when I die so that I could live forever in beauty and love. It’s a beautiful dream, but it isn’t real. Heaven and hell aren’t real except for those little pieces of them that we see here on Earth, so we better fix what is right around us so there’s a little less hell and a little more heaven.

- I wish I had never seen a Disney movie. Ever. Every Disney movie that shows a helpless female being rescued by a male needs to be burned and forgotten. Little girls and even little boys deserve more than to be disillusioned to thinking that that is how relationships actually work. No, I do not want to ruin childhood for any future children that I decide to adopt. But there is plenty of beauty and love in everything around us on a daily basis that doesn’t involve magic kisses or glass slippers.

- Again, that being said, I wish I could find someone that I could share my life with as an equal partner-in-crime. As a single woman who works full-time and then some, is a full-time dog mom, owns her own car, and owns her own home, LIFE IS EXHAUSTING. Bills are exhausting. Relationship drama is exhausting. To be able to have a best friend and lover who can help you realize that it IS all worth it is something that is invaluable. Sometimes you need a cheerleader that is not you. Great friends fill that role as best as they can but it’s never the same as someone you share your home and your bed with.

- I am a trained scientist. I’ve been taught how to follow the rules and try to make things come out the way we expect them to. That’s what the business end of science is all about. Don’t ever let anyone tell you any differently. It’s mentally and physically exhausting to give so much of yourself to something that’s only importance is a bottom line. THAT is why I’m trying so hard to make my life what I want it to be. I no longer want to be indebted to someone in such a way that makes me feel like a soulless shrew when I know that my heart is good.

- There are things about science that I still enjoy, but for the most part, I’m done. I fell out of love with science and I don’t know if I can ever get it back. My interests and wishes for my life have changed so much that I am in a constant state of flux and confusion. But rest assured, I will figure it out. I am already starting to. It’s scary as hell, but I’m doing it.

So these are not ALL of my secrets. But a better look into my mind. I resent having to justify things that make me happy and don’t hurt others. I resent the preconceived stereotypes of what a woman should and should not want and do. I resent the fact that a woman who wants to have a little romance and love is thought of as flighty and misguided.

I do not resent being the amazing person that I am. I do not resent my crass and sarcastic sense of humor. I do not resent the book series that has brought me friends from around the world that I will someday soon hopefully travel to see. And I do not resent that I have more laughter and heart in my little pinky than some people have in their whole bodies.

Tagged as: atheism, beliefs, Brianne Villano, culture, education, expectations, marriage, secrets, society